A Blog Is Cheaper Than Therapy.

My new year's resolution this year is more of an intention than it is a goal; it is a lifestyle shift that I will slowly open up to over time.  Like so many others, I have spent a good portion of my life living to please the world, creating a persona, an edited version of my true self, that I long believed was the "me" everyone else wanted to see and interact with.  Perhaps due to a lack of confidence, social anxieties or good ole fear of rejection, I have wasted countless hours, days, months, hiding myself away in my cave of an apartment hoping no one will notice how very flawed I really am.  But then one day I met a man, and my sanctuary was invaded and I could hide no more....  Maybe this was the push I needed to face reality, or it could be that I've exhausted myself trying to keep face, either way I knew it was time to change.  So this year, my resolution is to learn how to be more authentic.  I say learn, because I know that some of my behaviors have gone on for so long that they have become instinctual, and almost unrecognizable as anything other then who I am.  By learning to really listen, and become aware of what is happening inside of me, physically, mentally, spiritually, I hope to better understand the reality of who I am at this moment, what I like about myself and what I would like to improve upon in a reasonable, healthy manner.  In finding this awareness small shifts and improvements become more recognizable, and I can see more clearly how the me that I am today is not the same as last year, and I will probably never be this me again.  With everyday I can evolve, but I must first learn to accept.

The way I behave on the yoga mat mirrors my daily existence.  There are times when I am so distracted by my surroundings that I come close to walking away before I even start.  And sometimes its my own jumble of thoughts and worries that keep my head from connecting with my body, to a point where again it seems useless to try.  Fear freezes me and tricks me into believing that if I cannot do my best than I should not even bother.  But, even these distractions and frustrations can be used as a tool and can lead me to a deeper understanding of my authentic self.  Because, lets face it, unless I pack my bags and move to a cabin in the woods I will never be able to escape the noise and the crowds, and honestly the chaos around me at least overpowers the chatter of nonsense in my own mind.  Yoga helps me to sort through it all, to see past the masks I have made for myself, to let go of the standards I have set for my own existence as well as the world around me, while giving me the opportunity to see what is already there.  The real me.